[instrumental music plays] The noon hour of madness and mayhem, the podcast.
Ah, Pages, geez.
What?
I don't know. We're noon hour of madness and mayheming it up is what we're doing, man. What's up with you?
Oh, nothing much.
Oh, yeah. I forget these buttons ain't working. Gotta go for air. There we go. Oh, boy. It's been a little bit hectic around here today, but getting the job done. Getting the job done, buddy. Now, what's on your mind?
Uh, I was, uh, talking to you off the air about the whole Mozart thing.
Oh, yeah. You said that Mozart apparently liked, uh, poop and fart jokes.
Yes. Yes, he did.
Hold on. Let me look this up. Mozart, poop jokes. Had a startling fondness, according to a Reddit post from, uh, 10 years ago. Startling fondness for poop jokes. Um, uh, they go on to say even more that I'm not gonna get into here, but, uh-
Well, yeah. He wrote some pretty crazy things to, I believe, his cousin. There was a poem that he wrote to one of his family members.
[laughs] A, a poem?
And I can't... I, I can't even repeat what he said on the air, like not even close, otherwise it is a JPA, a Jayd Pucker alert.
[laughs]
But I can tell you it's quite funny. And then I think one of his friends did a, uh, a fart symphony, 'cause there's a certain sound that it makes like halfway through or something.
Dude, I love that. And I've never heard this before.
Some of the smartest people have a sense of humor, like Mozart, Mark, uh, Mark Twain, Samuel Clemens. He had a great, uh, sense of humor, always made some funny jokes here and there.
I think if you don't-
Albert Einstein definitely did. [laughs]
Yeah. I mean, I don't know. If you don't laugh at fart jokes or poop jokes, to me, it's kinda weird.
Yeah.
Like, my bands have written, uh, some songs. One of them was called "Produce," and it's, uh, not P-R-O-D-U-C-E.
No, I, I got you. Right, right as you said the title, I knew what you were talking about.
It's a... yeah, it's pro-
It's pro-pooping.
It's produce, P-R-O-D-E-U-C-E.
I like that.
Produce. [laughs]
Very nice.
And, um-
I guess you could say that, uh, that other station in the area that's playing Christmas music, they're produce, huh?
[laughs] That's right.
[laughs]
Uh, funny enough, have you ever read the lyrics to Tool's "Fear Inoculum?"
Uh, no, I haven't, but, but you, you... I'm glad you brought up Tool 'cause have you seen that video? It's resurfaced, of Maynard. Um, some fan ran on stage and Maynard puts him in a reverse chokehold while still performing the song.
Oh, yeah. That's a classic video.
It's, it's a classic video. I would love to, like, all of a sudden just get choked. [laughs] "Sink or swim, sink or swim."
[laughs] Well, I, uh, I think that there is a decent possibility that the lyrics to the track "Fear Inoculum" are, is Maynard being silly, trying to sound really, you know, obscure and ethereal, and it might just be one big poop joke. All right. Listen to this. So, "Immunity, long overdue. Contagion, I exhale you. Naive, I opened up to you. Venom and mania. Now, contagion, I excel you... I exhale you." You go on later on in the song and it says, "Exhale, expel, recast my tale. Weave my allegorical elegy. Enumerate all that I'm to do. Calculating steps away from you. My own mitosis growing through division from mania. Exhale, expel, recast my tale." Now, he spells tale in the lyrics T-A-L-E, but what if it was T-A-I-L? [laughs] "Exorcize the spectacle, exorcize the malady, exercise the disparate, poison for eternity, purge me and evacuate the venom and the fear that binds me." I'm pretty sure it's just the most poetic, uh, poop joke of all time. [laughs]
I love it.
I love it too. Uh, uh, every band should have at least one poop joke song. Take a page out of the Mozart playbook. No? He's world-renowned. He went down in history. We're still talking about him... When was Mozart around?
The late 1700s?
Hundreds of years later, I mean-
I mean, could you imagine that you, you, that you're the mom of Mozart. You give birth to this kid and at age three, he's already doing stuff musically. And at six, he was touring Europe.
It's pretty crazy, man. I mean-
Uh, uh, do, do you think it's all made up? Do you think, like, they just read these documents about this, like, miracle kid and were like, "Okay, let's just go along with this"?
Well, you know, that's the thing is when you're talking s- stuff from hundreds of years ago, history starts getting distorted really quickly.
Well, i- it'd be tough to try to keep track of what exactly went on that many years ago.
Yeah. Like, I mean, a lot of the reason we know things about places like ancient, ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia is 'cause it was carved in rock.
Yeah.
You know? So it, it wasn't like paper that would disintegrate or they could change. They carved it in a rock, so it was there and... But who knows? Someone could've re-carved to change his- You never know.
Like, you can't really tell what color and... You couldn't tell what color, what, uh, exactly the dinosaurs looked like. You just had their skeletons, right? So you had, like, the... You didn't... O- o- overall make the shape of their body, but you didn't know what color they were, what sounds they made.
That's true. They might've been like, "Me!"
But they probably studied their, uh, their, their poop, going back to the whole poop thing re- and found out what their diets were like.
Yeah. And I think they have found, like, fossilized dinosaurs that had their skin. Um, you know, it's rare.
But, like, in, in probably a frozen environment, maybe?
Fossilized dinosaur with skin. Let me see here, 'cause I seem to remember seeing... O- oh, okay. Yeah. So they knew they were, like, scaly and rep- reptilian-looking. They found this one. It was accidentally found by miners. Where, where'd the article go?
Don't you love pop-up ads?
I... Yeah, I, I do.But, uh-
I love when I... I'm trying to read the lyrics to a song to play on the air and all of a sudden a Panda Express ad fills up half the page.
[laughs]
But I think they have found, uh, dinosaurs complete with skin, so y- they knew, they l- uh, you know, they were, uh, very, you know, lizard looking. So, it's kinda cool looking too. The one, the oldest preserved, um, dinosaur, which is about 286 million years old. Is that what they said?
Yeah, but how do you actually determine it's that many years? Did some scientist just say, "Well-"
Well, they used-
"... could be from then."
Let's see if it goes into the details of how they date the... B- you know, in this article, they probably don't. But I know they've got, you know, different techniques they use, you know, based on layers of the Earth, or like-
True
... carbon dating. I mean, I'm no s- scientist here, but-
It's very confusing though with the... Tryin' to keep track of all the different periods from back then. The Jurassic Period, Cretaceous Period, and-
Yeah, like that's-
... so on
... how they were able to determine, you know, how often these, uh, mega thrust earthquakes happen on the West Coast, that are gonna potentially happen any day now. Could be 50 years from now, but we're, we're overdue for a mega thrust earthquake that's gonna, you know, decimate the West Coast from like Northern California, all the way up to, uh, Canada. Well, it's gonna go down one of these days. Talked about it many times, you know? Science, bro. Science. Yeah! Oh, I almost said a Breaking Bad phrase that would definitely be another JPA.
[laughs] [instrumental music plays] I know, I have this thing too, whenever I walk into a business and I hear another radio station being played that's not ours, I just leave.
[laughs] Yeah. Okay, let's say that.
It's the noon hour of madness and mayhem. What up, Peaches?
Oh, nothin' much.
Uh, Peaches just said something funny off-air, that when he'll walk into a business [laughs] if they're not playing one of our radios stations, he leaves.
It's true.
I approve of that type of behavior, Peaches.
'Cause I know, I know somebody in the back just turned on any random station. They don't... It's that one person that pays no attention to it. They go, "Okay, this sounds like a great station to play for customers." But little do they know the damage they're actually doing for exposing them to such a terrible-
That's right [laughs]
... terrible playlist.
Exactly.
I do love those people that half tune into K-BEAR. They just turn it on, barely pay attention to what we're saying. Even right now.
Well, that's because most people are kinda passive listeners. You know, we got the, the lots that are hardcore, but a lot, they just, you know, wanna hear some tunage in the background.
I wanna hear it from people that don't really say anything to us.
Yeah. You know, if you've never called the radio station, you should call us sometimes.
Yes, please.
You know, 208-535-1015. It, I'll, I've met plenty of people who are like, "Yeah, I, I listen to you guys every day."
Right.
And they never call in.
But they're just afraid to do so. Or they hit me with that classic line, "You can't put me on the radio. I cuss too much."
Yeah, it's-
You've heard both. You've heard me on the, off the air, compared to on here.
Oh, me too.
And, yeah.
It's really easy to not swear on the radio. Like, say you've got a, a grandma. You ever around your grandma and she's sensitive?
Sure-
Do you just-
I can, I can cuss in front of my grandma.
See, I could cuss in front of my... Well, no, no I don't have any-
I can!
I have no family.
Because there's a headstone. [laughs]
I have no family members left. [laughs]
I have no grandparents left either.
Yeah, I have no grandparents. I have no parents. But my parents, well, I would swear more in front of my dad than my mom. But I would swear in front of my mom. But, like, other relatives that I know are a little more conservative, you know, I, I don't swear around them. Or like, when I'm talking to my neighbors, the nice old people that I live with in the cul-de-sac, you know, I don't talk [laughs] to them the same way I'd talk to you, Peaches.
There are some people in Aubrey's family that have... Are not, they're [laughs] not used to the crass humor that I have.
Yeah. [laughs] Well hey, only one way to get used to it. Get exposed to it.
That's right.
That's right.
That's why I showed her brother Howard Stern's Private Parts and said, "Welcome to the new life, pal."
Wow. All right. That, that, and that's a... Is that movie rated R?
[laughs]
I, it's gotta be, yeah. 'Cause-
It's gonna be unrated.
And I was gonna say, it's got nudity and things in it. It's been a while since I watched it, so couldn't remember. Um, I started rewatching another movie the other day. A Quentin Tarantino movie, Inglorious blank.
Oh, yeah.
Even though I think it's fine to say that word on-air, Jade'll probably yell at me. That movie was much more brutal than I remember. It's got some wild scenes in it. You should show them that movie. That's a movie I think everyone should watch, if they haven't seen it. Becca hadn't seen it.
The mo-... Some of them watched those dumb movies like Pride and Prejudice. No, I wanna show them Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
[laughs] Yes, the spoof is something you've always gotta watch. If there's a spoof version out there, you should give it a go.
Forget the Lincoln movie. We'll, let's do Abraham Lincoln Versus, uh, Vampires.
Yeah, that's a, that's a fun one. Uh, didn't I see they're making a new Scary Movie?
Yeah, Scary Movie 6, Marlon Wayans.
Yeah.
Yeah. That's coming out-
That, that's gonna be great
... like two years from now, 2027.
2027?
Well, it takes a long time to make a movie.
I guess.
Without using AI, of course. [laughs]
[laughs] Just use the AI. Oh, looks like it's supposed to be in theaters June 12th of this coming year.
Oh, so June 26th, gotcha.
I mean, that's according to some random website.
Yeah, but-
So that could be completely fake information. [laughs]
There could be some like production delay, Marlon Wayans hurts his, uh, hand on set. "I have to take a six-month break."
[laughs] Yeah, uh, I hope it's as good as the other ones. The other ones are really, really vile.
It's so difficult for these actors to really just work, isn't it?
[laughs]
You see their stressful lives and you go, "Wow."
[laughs]
"I'm glad I'm not them."
I've heard that acting, like, it actually does kinda suck, 'cause you spend most of your time just sitting in the trailer. You know, just sitting there, waiting for 'em to call for ya. Now, for me, that sounds pretty good. I'd just sit there and play Red Dead or take a nap.
Yeah.
Read a book. You're getting paid to do it.
The, the, the more I've, uh, interviewed bands, the more I realize touring and... Touring as a band would absolutely suck.
Oh, it'd be terrible! It'd be terrible.
Yeah.
You know, I-
Performing those same songs. You better love those songs that you make.
[laughs]
If you're going to play them thousands of times.
Well, and like when I go out of town, say I go to Salt Lake, Boise, do you know how fast I wanna get back to my house?
Oh, yeah.
I can't wait to get home the next day.
I was talking with the, the guys, of course, and Autumn Kings, the Set It Off dudes, and they made that terrible drive from Denver to Salt Lake City.
Yeah.
And all of them, the tour managers specifically were just fatigued.
Oh, try, yeah, imagine driving across, uh, Texas.
Oh.
Across Texas, just flat desert nothing.
So is-
And it's huge.
Is there a specific person that does the tour routing?
Uh, yeah. The, the, I would assume the booker, you know, or the, the rou- the tour router.
So there's a guy who can just book tours?
Yeah.
Like one... So if he hates a specific band-
[laughs]
... he can make them, like have one stop in Sacramento and then go to like, uh, Denver, and then to like Vancouver, and then down to Boise or Salt Lake City [laughs].
I mean, I would assume they'd end up getting fired, but-
And then go to [laughs] Santa Ana, California.
But you've seen some weird routing sometimes.
Oh, yeah.
You're like, "That looks... That doesn't make any sense."
Have them do a giant trek across America within a day.
Oh.
[laughs]
Oh. Yeah. I mean, when I was younger I wanted to be in a band, and I wanted to tour the, tour the world.
I don't think I could fit in those beds. I really don't.
You, you couldn't. You couldn't fit-
Because I think-
... in an average bunk.
Lee Jennings of course, the, The Funeral Portrait, when he parked, when they all parked the RV over, uh, on the side of the parking lot over there, I, I, I was talking to Lee about his bed up top, above the driver's.
Yeah.
I'm thinking he's skinny enough to where like he could, you know, be okay up there. I'm thinking my fat butt would just fall-
[laughs]
... and land on the driver and whoever's in the passenger seat.
But he still probably has to sleep in like the fetal position, right?
Which sucks.
He has to pull his knees up.
How could we tour in a band if we have CPAPs too? Like we need to have a generator.
Yeah. I mean-
You're gonna have to hear that generator noise all night.
Mm-hmm.
Sleep with earplugs in. And you're not sleeping at good times either. You're going to bed at like 3:00 in the morning.
Yeah.
You're sleeping all day.
Mm-hmm.
You're missing the good part of the day. You're staying up. You, you just wake up and you're at the next venue practically.
Yeah, you never see a... I mean, when bands walk in here, they're not all like, "Yeah. Hey, whoa."
No, not at all.
No, they're-
They're just, they're like, "Where's the coffee?"
[laughs] Yeah.
"We need a coffee machine in here."
We do have the Keurig.
Yeah, but we're not gonna tell a band, "Hey, go to our break room in the back of the building."
I will. Uh-
And J- Justin would yell at them.
[laughs]
He'd be like, "Why are you using the coffee machine? You didn't replace the filter."
[laughs]
He would throw the, the biggest tantrum and like scream at a rock star. [laughs] [instrumental music playing] I thought about bringing you the, uh, IPAs from Trader Joe's, like at least like one of those packs, but I'm just like, "I don't think he really wants to drink more." And then also like, I don't wanna bring that to work and be like, "Victor, here's some IPA,"
Here's some IPA, I brought it-
Yeah
... from Trader Joe's.
Especially like, you know, who just walked by? Jay Hildebrand walks by.
Were they cheap?
I didn't see the price.
'Cause-
That's the funny thing. I tell Aubrey this all the time, I'm like, "I don't pay attention to the girls' clothes."
Yeah.
I just know that's the area of the store to not look at.
Yeah.
I just go right to like the men's shoes.
[laughs]
She's having me go through all the aisles. I'm like, "I don't..." She's like, "This is cute." I mean, I hate when girls do this, but we can talk about this.
Okay. It's the noon hour of madness and mayhem. What up, Peaches?
I thought of starting a TikTok series where I mic up my girlfriend and put, put a little, like a clip-on mic on her, and we'll count how many times in Ross or any other one of those stores where she'll like say, "Oh, this is cute." Put it back.
[laughs]
Yeah, they do that, don't they? "This is cute," and then they put it back.
Right.
Uh-uh. It's like, "Well, buy it," especially if you're at Ross, it's cheap. Everything at Ross is cheap. That's, uh, where I buy like all my clothes 'cause I ca- I can't afford to shop at, you know, the mall or-
Wha-
... something like that.
I'm like living in poverty where I'm like, if I see shoes for like 50 bucks, I'll go, "That's about four lunches."
[laughs] Yeah.
"I'm not spending four lunches on this."
I know. I, people... I was talking about something or... Oh, just winning the lottery earlier. And I was like, "You know how stoked I'd be if I won 50 bucks?"
Oh, yeah.
[laughs] Like, 'cause $20, like if I lost a $20 bill, I would be so angry. 20 bucks in this day and age, it, you know, that, that's, that's rough. That's rough losing that kind of money 'cause everything's so expensive. You need every penny you can get. They're-
Do you ever get-
... outrageous.
Do you ever get irrationally mad at those dudes that, uh, they have that minimalist wallet? I was gonna talk about this with you too. Have you seen how, like where men's wallets are going?
Nah.
It's those like, you, you flick it and the cards pop out. And then it-
I haven't seen that.
It has a money clip, so you have all these like, all these, you know, tech dudes with these minimalist wallets with like wads of hundreds in the money clip. And it's exposed to all. Like if you leave your wallet on the counter... I think Justin ha- Justin who just walked by, um, has one of those, uh, minimalist wallets where you flick out the cards.
Mm-hmm.
It, it's-
I mean, I have wanted to get like a second wallet so when I go to a show or something I could just put my ID and a card and maybe a little bit of cash.
That makes sense.
'Cause you've seen my wallet. It's packed with all kinds of crap.
Oh, yeah.
You know?
You wanna see mine? Mine-
Yeah.
Mine has 24 cards [laughs].
Yeah. Look at this.
My Dave & Buster's Power Play card.
Look at that thing.
It has my, uh, L.A. Metro card to ride the train.
I mean, I should probably go through my wallet 'cause it's probably a bunch of crap I don't need, come to think of it.
I have my parents' business card.
Where's my ID? Uh-
We're gonna see what's in Victor's wallet.
Yeah, this ain't... This is not, not good, really. My ID is missing [laughs].
Uh-oh.
Uh-
Well, Becca just uploaded hers on Facebook.
[laughs] Yeah, I know.
I saw that.
[laughs]
Maybe she took yours.
Where... What the heck? Um, I'm actually genuinely concerned 'cause I don't remember the last time I even got my ID out. Um.[instrumental music plays] Okay, great. I can give myself some, uh, anxiety today. I don't wanna have to go to the DMV and get another one. Ugh.
I do have to give a nice shout-out though to the DMV in this area, the DMVs in this area, just because dealing with them growing up, it was the absolute worst. It was like a human zoo. Coming here and seeing the great reviews and dealing with especially the Idaho Falls DMV, so easy to deal with, hardly anybody in there. You, they answer your questions. They're not, you know, trying to just shoo you on out of there. I'm talking while Victor searches through his wallet here.
I'm [laughs] very concerned-
He looks very concerned.
... [laughs] I don't have my ID. Where... I'm trying to think the last time I used it.
Did you take it to, uh, Salt Lake City?
Yeah, but it seems like I've used it since then. I seem to remember-
Well, that was only three nights ago.
I know, but... What the crap? Okay, wait. I've got some other cards that are... No, that is where it's supposed to be. Where's my ID? Oh, no.
Oh, in case you guys weren't aware, for the next year's What's In The Box promotion, we have Victor Wilt's ID card-
[laughing] He just stole-
... in the box.
... my ID, in the box.
It's been hidden there this entire time.
[laughing] Dude, this sucks. What if I need it for something? 'Cause, uh, the only time you're, you're gonna get asked for it's when you don't have it. Ugh.
I've never taken mine out of the, uh, compartment.
See, yeah, but you don't ever, like, buy a beer, and they'll be like, "I need to scan your ID."
No, let's be honest, I haven't been carded since I was 16.
[laughs] Yeah, I guess that's true. You're a giant.
Yeah.
Okay. My ID is officially gone, so, um, that's not good. Uh... Hmm. Well, uh, figure it out, I guess. Uh. That's weird. Where the hell did it go? [instrumental music plays] Furious, Peaches. Furious about this ID situation that's totally throwing my day off. I might really need my ID [laughs]. Yeah, I've, I've gotta go to, like... Uh, I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. What if they need my ID? Did they ask me to show it to 'em when I went and had blood drawn today?
Potentially, yeah. 'Cause you-
They might have.
You might need to call that place, or check your card, like, check your dashboard.
No, they didn't ask me. I'm gonna have to dig through my truck.
Yeah.
Maybe-
I'm thinking it's in there somewhere.
I hope so. I just don't... I mean, wh- where do you use your ID in a drive through?
Did I go... I went to the bank last night. I went to the bank to deposit some cash, and I may have... 'Cause I gave 'em my ID. That was the last place I pulled it... I bet it is in my truck. Ugh.
There we go. I'm glad we retraced the steps.
See, this is why we, we gotta-
You gotta stay calm in those situations, Victor. You need to just think about it.
Yeah, you saying that maybe it's in my truck, and I was like, "Nah, there's no situation you use your ID unless you get pulled over." And I didn't get pulled ove- but I did. I did take it out and stick it in the little bank tube. You know? The tube of doom?
I've never used one of those, ever.
What?
I always make that joke when I go to the drive-through ATM. I'm like, "Hey, can I get two tacos? Oh, wait a minute." And then I just-
[laughs]
[laughing] It's a typical, stupid joke.
You've never used the tube at the-
No.
... at the bank?
I was, I was so in- uh, fascinated when Aubrey was, w- well, she r- ran an errand with it. I was in the car with her, and she just went right to the bank and used the tube. I'm like, "That's cool." I'm like, "She'll have a wad of paper up there."
[laughs]
[laughs]
Well, there was that story the other day where, um, a guy ch- sent a burning cigar through one.
[laughs]
And like, the p- and this was a little ridiculous. Like, okay, obviously you could start a fire or cause a problem by doing that. You shouldn't do it.
Around Halloween time, put a human ear in there.
[laughs]
Really freak 'em out.
But the people working at the bank had to go to the hospital from breathing a little bit of the cigar smoke.
Okay. Yeah, you probably get the-
And I was like, "Come, come on."
... the biggest dweeb working at the bank.
[laughing]
Ow. I need to use, I need my inhaler.
[coughs]
Yeah.
Oh, I need to call the doctor.
Yeah, I just breathe, breathed in that black tar.
[laughing] It's like, what are you talking about? All right, we, we've all been around some kinda, you know, a campfire or something. Uh, you're gonna be okay if you get a little whiff.
I can't breathe at the gas station.
[laughs]
Those fumes will make me high.
Yeah, you're sitting in traffic, okay? What you're breathing sitting stopped at a gaslight during the summer with your windows down, that, that will kill you much faster than a little whiff of a cigar.
I can never, never go to Los Angeles and breathe in the smog-
[laughs]
... and the marijuana.
No, dude. When I drove into Salt Lake the other day, it was disgusting. Disgusting. I should have dro-
Yeah, those factories producing all that waste.
Yeah, I shou- I should have drove over to the hospital. [laughs] Your town, don't know what it's doing to me. I need treatment. [laughs]
You should just go in their local Facebook groups and ask, uh-
[laughs]
... "Does anyone else smell that?"
[laughs] Yeah. "What's that weird smell in the air?"
Yeah.
"Anybody else smell it?"
"It's those liberals
causing up a ru- ruckus."
I wonder-
"Smelling like poo."
I wonder, uh, how mad people would get if I went to the Salt Lake City subreddit and was just like, "Your town's a dump, and it stinks." [laughs] Just leave that as the post. "I rolled in last Saturday, and that place smelled like crap. What's going on in your stinky town?"
You're gonna get those dudes that are going, "This is rage bait, obviously."
[laughs]
And then, you're gonna get some guys going, "Oh, why don't you just get out then?"
[laughs] "Why don't you go back to California, where it came..."
Yeah. [laughs]
I bet they, they got a lot of those commenters in-
For sure
... Salt Lake, for sure.
Mm-hmm.
[instrumental music plays] The Noon Hour of Madness and Mayhem is a production of Riverbend Media Group. For more information or to contact the show, visit riverbendmediagroup.com.